A transgender person is much more than someone wearing a dress and taking hormones.
David Betts | Blot
“It’s more than just the outside, it’s also the inside,” said Jamie, a transgender student at UI. “What’s on the inside is often more difficult to change than the outside.”
She said being transgender is feeling dysphoria or discomfort with identities related to the gender that is assigned at birth.
“It’s wanting to get away from that and into a place where you feel comfortable,” Jamie said “Learning to express yourself in a way that is comfortable and natural for you.”
Jamie has known she was a trans-woman since her junior year of high school.
But looking back, she said there have always been clues.
She knew she was different and much more feminine, but it wasn’t until she saw trans-people on Youtube that she realized there was a word for what she had felt.
Jamie remembers sneaking into her mother’s closet to put on one of her dresses and try out her shoes, angering her father.
“He was like ‘what? That’s weird, I don’t want a gay son’ or something,” she said with a small laugh. “I always have these memories that looking back it was so obvious.”
From a young age, Jamie said she was always trying to find a way to fit in. She recalls seeing a picture of a man in a wedding dress while on vacation with her family.
“I was like ‘Dad, why is that man wearing a dress?’ and he was like ‘he’s a comedian’ and I was like ‘I want to be a comedian too,'” Jamie said. “I just thought that a comedian was a guy that could wear a dress and be accepted.”
She said every transgender person has to deal with emotional hurdles throughout their transition, but for Jamie, family will always evoke strong emotions.
“Family is a big part of my life,” Jamie said.
She still has some family members that are not aware of her gender identity, and often think of her as homosexual, she said.
“It’s almost like they are in denial about it, because it is almost like losing someone in a way,” Jamie said.
Family has been difficult for Jamie. She said for the most part, many family members deny the transition is happening. She remembered when she told her mom, that her mom just sort of said she understood liking men, but not the “gender thing.”
“She is always referring to me as her gay son,” Jamie said. “When my mom said it was like losing me, that was difficult to hear. So that’s all been kind of trying and difficult.”
Jamie hopes that once she begins the transition, her family will finally accept and recognize her as a woman. She said she will begin the process once she has saved up enough money.
Among other struggles, puberty was a difficult time for Jamie.
“When you’re trans, you’re like ‘oh god, I’m growing hair or growing boobs, I don’t want either of these things,’ it is just an awful, awful time,” Jamie said. “And you’re like trying to find yourself as much as you are trying to fit in.”
She said there are things most people just don’t consider about the transgender community. People think they can just spot a transgender person when they walk down the street, but people blend in, Jamie said. She said while she can be herself when she is alone, the expectations of others always haunt her.
“You hear horror stories,” she said.
Jamie said it is terrifying to read about what people have done to transgender people, especially trans-women. She always wonders what can go wrong, and said she has kind of gotten paranoid.
Jamie said one of the reasons she came to UI was because on Vandal Friday she went to an information session about the LGBTQA community on campus. She said hearing others talk about their experiences encouraged her to attend UI. Along with the inclusive LGBTQA community, she said her professors and University Housing have been understanding of her situation.
Jamie said something everyone should know about trans-people is that they all make a lot of sacrifices. Sometimes to gain their own happiness they have to let go of old friendships and old familial relationships. She also thinks people need to say more positive things.
“‘She-male?’ That’s rude as shit,” Jamie said.
She thinks people should be more open and accepting of transgender people and their inner personality. Jaime said this kind of behavior helps, whether people know it or not.
“The main thing to understand is that people want to be accepted for who we are … and not have to walk to our cars with our keys between our fingers because someone might decide to attack us,” Jamie said. “We just want to live a normal life and just be happy.”
A pseudonym has been used to protect the source’s identity.