The scene in “A Cinderella Story,” when Chad Michael Murray’s character runs up the bleacher steps to kiss Hillary Duff resonates with me in a different way. That scene was one of the first times I realized I wanted to kiss the guy — not the girl.
Growing up in a small conservative town, I pushed down those thoughts and feelings for years. I never met an openly gay man until college. After avoiding my feelings for years, I met someone that was out and proud — it was the first time I didn’t feel crazy.
I always thought something was wrong with me for liking guys over girls. I was lucky. The first person I told I was gay was extremely supportive and understanding. She said the best thing someone could have said to me, “Cool. I love you. Do you want to go to McDonalds?” I still text her every March 26 and remind her that she helped me start a new chapter of my life.
For two years, I lived a somewhat double life. Kind of like Kim Possible — but not nearly as cool. College was a new world for me where I was out, proud and finding myself. But, at the same time, when I went home I was terrified of my family’s reaction — if I ever even decided to tell them.
I left for my final semester of junior year of college from home and put my coming out letter on the kitchen counter for my parents. I didn’t hear from them — for three months.
My brothers called me three days after they read the letter. They said everything I could have hoped for, “I don’t care, you are my brother. I love you.” My parents and I still haven’t talked about it, but they still tell me that I am loved. I hope one day if I meet someone and I bring them home to my crazy family, they at least embarrass me so I know everything is “normal.”
Coming from a small town and attending colleges in two not so “gay friendly” populated states, means that I have been a lot, I mean a lot, of people’s first openly gay friend.
Through these friendships, I get many questions. Some funny, some inappropriate, others that I don’t know the answer to. Whether it is someone asking if I am sure I am gay because I don’t “look gay,” or someone wondering which one of us pays for a date, which is a ridiculous question — if I ever go on a date, I will get back to you.
I am just one version of a gay man. There are a thousand stereotypes that apply to gay men. Some of them fit, whereas others are far from the truth. Just remember, not everyone is comfortable in their skin or themselves as a whole. A stereotype can be empowering to me and hurtful to the gay guy next to me in class.
If you ever get to experience someone coming out to you, it can be just as special to you as the person that is telling you their truth.
I am out and proud! If you want to talk to me about my experience — feel free. But, always remember that everyone is different and they are more than just their sexual orientation.
Dear Younger Self,
The world of high school does end. I promise.
Every place is different. Going away to college is going to work out.
The main thing I want to tell you is that you, are just you. Trust me — I know that hiding who you think you are is the safest thing to do. Staying in the closet until you are ready is going to save you. I promise.
Waiting until you are ready? Well honestly, you will never be completely ready. Wait until there are people in your life that you know will love you for you.
You are gay. I promise you. Do whatever you need to do to survive. High school sucks. College is so much better.
When you choose to come out, do it for you. Don’t do it for anyone else.
One day it will be a part of you like it is now. It won’t define you.
You are gay! Who cares?
A Somewhat Wiser,
—Hagen Hunsaker
Story by Hagen Hunsaker
Photos by Brianna Finnegan
Design by Lindsay Trombly