The summer heat is baking the streets as my friends and I are running down the street, scream-laughing because Isabel took Jaira’s shoe. Hannah and I are running after them just to keep up and tease Jaira more. Isabel stumbles, stalling enough for Jaira to catch up. They stand there laughing and we finally catch up to them and laugh until we’re out of breath.
These times I thought; I already miss them. I could have cried right then because I’m afraid I’ll never feel that way again in my life. But they’re laughing again and that makes me laugh too. I wish I would have savored that moment longer.
These days I wear taller shoes with solid heels that command authority wherever I walk dop, dop, dop. But I don’t truly have any because I’m walking into a building for an interview. I feel my clothes pinching my body to present impressive sharp lines and my curls bouncing to appear friendly as I walk up to the secretary’s desk.
“Excuse me,” I lightly asked. She didn’t hear me.
“Excuse me,” It took her a moment to look at me.
“Yes.” She said, tilting her head slightly down.
“I have an interview at 1:30.”
She looked at her computer skeptically, “Oh yes, yes, with Mr. Brinson. Yes, take a seat and we’ll call you when we’re ready.”
As I sit in the familiar but impersonal office chairs, I start bouncing my leg. I’m tempted to start biting my nails but that would look bad so I’m rubbing my hands instead. I grip my portfolio and then I stop and start frantically looking through everything. I’m doing a mental checklist of everything I need to say and mentioned when…
“Ms. Shannon,”
I look up, suddenly feeling ridiculous.
“Yes, that’s me.” I stand up probably too quickly. I sharply walk over and grip my portfolio again and she leads me to an office.
The office has windows for walls that illuminate the whole room’s cerulean walls. She closes the door and I sit down. The sunlight from the windows is blinding me. And with the door closed, I’m suddenly more aware of myself, how I’m crossing my legs and my posture. So, I sit up and grip my portfolio tighter.
The woman pulls out a binder and begins to flip through it.
“Ms. Shannon, your resume is fairly impressive.”
Fairly? Did that mean she didn’t expect it to be impressive?
“And I see that you went to the University of Washington.”
“Y-yes” Her mention of the school melts my lips together so I almost can’t talk.
“It’s a very good school. My brother went there.”
Okay that’s good.
“Could you perhaps give me an example of a design that you are most proud of?”
What? Proud of? I like all my work. I had everything from designs for breast cancer awareness month to science and sustainability, but I couldn’t say I had a favorite. I looked through every piece knowing that it bad to take so long to decide and pulled out a random one.
“Here.”
Her black and white acrylic nails pulled the design closer to her as she examined it and slowly nodded her head.
“This is very good work.”
Thank goodness.
“Tell me why it is your favorite.”
Oh no.
“It’s my favorite because-” I hadn’t even looked at the design too closely before I pulled it out and I realized that was the last one I should have picked. I don’t even know why I put it there in the first place.
“It’s actually a funny story. My close friends and I in college were all in the art club and we partnered with the Women’s Center to educate people on toxic dating habits.”
I’m kicking myself because I was afraid it was too provocative for one and the other.
“Very nice. We value progressive thinking in this company.”
That’s good at least.
“Well, you’ll hear back from us in a week or so but thank you for coming in!”
“Thank you.” I say taking the design and putting it at the bottom of my portfolio and rushing out.
I didn’t realize how much I was holding my breath until I was out of the building. It felt like there were a bunch of red laser beams aimed at me the whole time.
I sit down on a park bench and closed my eyes for a moment just to rest. I thought it went well. Or maybe it didn’t? I would be dying again until I heard whether I got the job or not. I think the real killer is anticipation. The state of wanting something but not having it quite yet but being so close at the same time.
I sighed. I opened my portfolio and took out the design I presented. God that was such a stupid move. Part of me wanted to toss it into the fountain right now and let it dissolve. But another part of me couldn’t bear to let it go.
“Oh my God Kayla what are doing?” Jaira asked.
“I’m making the design for the Women’s Center.” I could see how someone might have thought it was provocative.
“Oh, right yeah we said we would do that.” She walked around me and sat down.
“But speaking of dating……how’s you and that guy?”
I blushed. I’d been seeing him for a little while. “I’m seeing him tonight.”
“You have to tell me how it goes!”
I laughed, “I will, I will.”
I finally got back to my apartment, and I wondered, how the hell did I get here? I drop my stuff in the living room and change into a pair of sweats and my favorite hoodie and grabbed a beer out of the fridge and sat down on the couch.
I went from nights of thrills, spinning, and exhausted laughter to this. It had started to rain outside, and it covered the apartment in a gray light. I held the hoodie tighter to me.
“I want to give you this.” he said holding out an indigo hoodie a size bigger than me.
My heart leaped and I squealed. “I love it.” I gave him a hug.
It’s been so long now that it doesn’t smell like his cologne anymore. Fuck it.
I started dialing Hannah’s number.
Voicemail.
I forgot that’s she’s in Ghana doing some Peace Corp work. She must be sleeping or incredibly busy.
I try Isabel. She picks up.
“Oh, hey Kayla! I’m making dinner right now. How’s Portland? Have you morphed into a hipster yet?”
“No no.” I chuckled. “I’m doing well,” I say as I look around my empty apartment.
“Portland’s nice. How have you been doing?”
“Oh, you know same as always. Living with Tyler in the same apartment. We’ve been talking about getting a cat though.”
“Nice, nice.”
“So, anything new with you?” Isabel asked.
“Sadly no.” I lied. Everything feels different. “I’m still looking for a job and getting used to the city.”
“Well, I’m sure you’ll find something. You were always really smart.”
“Thanks. It doesn’t seem like that’s enough these days though.”
“Well, it can’t be completely bad. Otherwise, just move somewhere else.”
“That’s true.” I look and it’s still raining outside.
“Anyways, I’ll have to go now. Tyler’s parents are over for dinner. But call me anytime later. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Just move somewhere else. Easier said than done. Then it’d be the same thing over again. I take a sip of my beer. It’s not good to stay here. I throw on my coat and go out.
I’m wandering in a part of town I’ve never been in. I can’t drive around here. I need to walk to really get a feel for the place. A shop catches my eye. I can’t tell exactly what it is. Nostalgic Abyss. It looked like half antique store, half thrift store but it draws me in.
It’s definitely a thrift store, but many of the things look like the furniture of an old person’s house. A lamp that used a lot of electricity. A fuzzy lazy-e-boy. A desk with scratches on it. It almost felt like I was in an elder home, so I went towards the clothes.
I saw a couple who looked younger than me. Or maybe it was because I’ve felt I’ve aged so much in just a few months. They were holding hands and walked out. Then someone came in with a box of clothes to donate.
“Do you want this back?”
“Umm it’s okay if you keep it yeah.” He looked so stoic I didn’t recognize him.
“That’s it? That’s all you have to say!”
“I don’t know what else to tell you besides I’m not going to see you again.”
“Screw you.”
They were taking out all kinds of clothes sweats, shirts, and hoodies. I overheard their conversation to the reception to the receptionist, “I’ve had these forever and needed to get rid of them since I lost weight.”
I left the store. It was dark now, so I started walking home.
I am at work now.
“Kathrine!”
I set down a vanilla frap. After a couple more drinks I got off. I checked my phone, still not having heard back from the company yet.
I got back to my apartment, and I realized that I missed a message from Hannah.
“Hey, Kayla! Sorry I missed your call. I hope you’re doing well and what you’ve always wanted to do. Give me a call back sometimes. Bye!”
It would be too late to call her back now. I lay down on the couch and looked at the indigo hoodie that was in the same place since last night. I suppose I have had the same clothes for a while.
“Dude I can’t believe him. The audacity.”
I didn’t even feel alive anymore at that point.
“I can’t believe that it even happened.”
I started gathering up all the clothes I hadn’t worn in a while. And then I looked at the hoodie. I grabbed it and put it in with the rest and went back to the thrift store.
I dropped the box on the counter.
“Oh wow. This is a big load.” She said as she started sorting through the clothes.
“We’ve been getting a lot of these lately.” She said holding up the indigo hoodie and putting it behind her in a box. For a moment I wanted to stop her. Tell her I put it in there by accident. I forced myself to focus on something else.
“Ooooh these are really cute.”
“Thank you,” I say, trying to smile. “I’ve just had them for a while, and I needed more room in the closet for new things.”
“I get that.” My eyes were still on the indigo hoodie behind her. She was almost done going through everything. It would be my last chance.
“Sorry um, could you actually hand me that hoodie for a second? I might have put it there by mistake.”
“Of course.” She said with such a genuine smile I almost hated it. She gave it back to me and was nearly done going through the rest of the clothes.
When I held it in my hands, I didn’t want to let go of it again. I could hear his smile.
“For what it’s worth, I’ll never forget you.”
“I think you might need to.”
I handed it back to her. “Actually, it’s probably best in this place.”
“You sure?” I hated how her knowing green eyes seemed to expose my soul. I felt like a glass of water.
“Honestly, no. But I just wanna see how I am without it.”
“Okay then! Who knows, you could buy it back maybe. Our sales go to charity.”
“Alright thank you.”
I walked out of the shop feeling like I left a piece of myself in there. Then my phone started ringing.
“Hello is the Kayla Shannon?”
“It is.”
“Good. I just wanted to let you know that we’ve decided to go with another candidate. But we thought you were an amazing designer, so we are going to recommend you apply to our sister company and we’ll even send your application to them.”
“Okay great, that’s good to know!”
“However, it would be in another city.”
I paused because a certain amount of dread set into my stomach.
“That would be perfectly fine. I’m willing to do it.”
“Perfect! We’ll send you more information later.”
“Thank you. Bye.”
When I got back home, I decided I needed to make a new design. I hadn’t made any in a long time practically since college. I looked up some photos as a reference and I started sketching. I hadn’t realized as much time passed by when it started getting dark. I’d been working on it for three hours. I have to say it’s probably my best work in a while.
It showed a towering city full of skyscrapers, a little bit of a coastline, and a huge bridge as the focal point, a train, and the sun rising. In the foreground, a small person looking out towards it.
I’d be more prepared next time.